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Clarification on Dating and Courtship

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I am often asked if I still agree with what I wrote in my first book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. The answer is that I do, but I'm quick to state that I've never claimed that the ideas I share in it are for everyone, nor that my book is or should be the final word on Christian relationships. The book is simply me at 21 years old sharing my personal journey of learning to honor God with romance and relationships.

I also add that, while I stand by what I wrote, I don't always like the way other people represent or champion the concepts I've written about. Sadly, there have been many times that people have applied its principles in a very legalistic and heavy-handed way. Some people have had my book forced on them or have been treated as though agreeing with me is the only option for Christians. If you're one of those people, I apologize. That certainly wasn't my intention when I wrote it.

I share all this to tell you about a DVD that my publisher released this year that I hope will contribute to clearing up some of the misconceptions that exist about my writing on dating and courtship. The DVD is a combination of both old and new messages that I've given on the topic.

Original Content
The original content on the DVD was produced back in 1999. It features drama, on-the-street interviews, personal testimonies, and segments of me teaching before a live audience. The focus of the messages is not "stop dating" but instead an encouragement to find your definition of love and purity from God's Word. They're a call to trust and honor God while genuinely caring for other people. The three original messages are:

• Love: What is true love, and how does its power make it possible for you to enjoy lifelong, meaningful friendships?


• Purity: In an age of compromise, how do we cultivate outward modesty and inward purity? What should our ultimate motivation be for living a life of purity, and why should it be a priority in your life?

• Trust: Singleness is not a time for watching life go by, but a chance to develop your gifts and use this season—however long it is—to serve the Lord, while trusting God for his good timing for romance.

New Messages
The two more recent messages are on courtship and were done at my church in the past few years. The new messages gave me the chance to address some of the questions raised by my books, and some of the ways their principles have been misapplied. They are:

• Courtship Shmourtship: Addresses misconceptions people have about courtship, and takes a biblical look at relationships. I speak to singles who are so concerned with "guarding each others heart" that they're not talking to one another.


• Courtship: A Community Project: Looks at how godly relationships can function in the context of the local church.

These bonus messages don't have the same production quality of the first three (you're just sitting in on a Sunday meeting at our church) but we've gotten encouraging feedback on how they answer questions that my books have generated. (We refer to these two as the "bald Josh" messages. The original three messages are the "Josh with Elvis Hair" messages.)


Each of the five messages are approximately 1 hour in length. The DVD is a good resource for youth groups or singles ministries, for sparking small group discussion, as well as personal viewing. You can buy it here.

And here's a little intro we put together for the new content of the DVD:

Posted by on November 27, 2007

Comments (18)

Thanks Josh. I'm going to share this with the singles in our ministry. I appreciate all your resources on this topic.

Posted by Dan Sudfeld | November 28, 2007 9:24 AM

I run into many who are dissatisfied with their experiences in "dating," but it's helpful to have some resources to show some particulars with regard to courting.

Thanks.

Posted by GUNNY HARTMAN | November 28, 2007 3:12 PM

As one who greatly benefited from one of the "Bald Josh" talks that I heard through a podcast, I'm glad to see this material get put out there.

A lot of men and women in my generation have been burned by the whole "dating is bad, courting is good" mantra to the point where any talk of it probably only incites more people than it counsels. I hope this new project will help here.

Posted by Jacob | November 28, 2007 5:01 PM

As a singles caregroup leader (with 8 out of the 12 in relationships), what can Josh (my Josh) and I say, but THANK YOU.

Posted by Kelley Murphy | November 28, 2007 9:42 PM

wow i think i'll go order that! your books have been such a blessing to me. they really completely transformed my views on dating and helped me to see the beauty of dating from a biblical perspective. i look forward to watching the dvd and sharing it with my younger sister. may God richly bless you in all of your efforts to advance His glorious cause.
in Christ alone,
katherine

Posted by katherine Estes | November 28, 2007 10:00 PM

Sounds like a really cool development, but on a lighter note... is it just me, or do you look really, really spiritual in the still shot for the Youtube vid?

Posted by Nick Coller | December 1, 2007 7:24 AM

Nick,

Yeah, that still shot looks like the cover of a worship album or something. Pretty cheesy.

JH

Posted by Joshua Harris | December 1, 2007 9:02 AM

Great post, Josh!

Posted by Kevin | December 4, 2007 11:07 PM

Good to read this because this is the way how I understood your book. Here in Germany many people really appreciated your books, and also many really thought it is horrible. Mostly you are known as the guy who has written the book against kissing before marriage ;-)

Posted by Phil | December 13, 2007 4:04 AM

I got the I Kissed Dating Goodbye dvd for CHRISTmas. I'm really excited to listen to it. I really pray that I can attend NA this year to hear you speak in person. Take Care.

Posted by Vicki | December 30, 2007 6:43 PM

I was one of those with Josh Harris "forced on me" in my teen years. I had one of those homeschool moms who hoped I would meet and marry someone just like you. You were my ideal, until I grew to resent your book, especially as I attempted courtship and saw it fail (in my limited perspective). Now, at 25, still single, but still pursuing purity, and at a much deeper relationship with the Lord, I am thankful for your ministry, and for your continuing work getting out the message of purity and living for the Lord. The Lord has also laid the burden of teaching on purity and godliness in relationships on my life, and I am on my way to the mission field. For all of my teenage rants and rebellion, the Lord used you in my life, and I want to to say thanks. To God be the glory, certainly. May your ministry in this area, and in all areas be blessed.

Posted by Jennifer | January 3, 2008 3:02 AM

I would think that if people are misapplying your book (such as implementing it legalistically) you might ask yourself what could be done to reduce the chances of that happening. Perhaps posts and clarifications on your site here would help? Maybe another revision to your book?

Posted by Steve | January 13, 2008 7:53 PM

Joshua Harris, your book has helped me redefine dating for me and has been a catalyst in the change in my dating standards, morals and values. THANK YOU!!!

Posted by sisa | January 25, 2008 4:49 AM

I am glad to see that even comments that are somewhat critical but respectful are allowed here.

Posted by Steve | January 26, 2008 11:45 AM

I want to thank you for being open and honest enough with the world to put the truth out there about the dangers of modern dating. You have helped, in so many ways, prepare me for my God-given spouse, eventhough we've never met. I'm heading the singles' ministry at my church in hopes to prevent younger Christians from experiencing the pain of dating outside of God's will and help heal older Christians from the messes they've caused themselves by being out of God's perfect will.
Thank you for being a voice of wisdom is a chaotic world

Posted by Daphanie | February 11, 2008 10:53 AM

lol hmmm let's see i just finished reading ur first book a couple of weeks ago??? XD but still thank you very much for your sharing =]

and by the way >.

Posted by Joyce | March 4, 2008 3:00 PM

Why aren't any of the problems you talked about in the new messages that occurred in your own church mentioned here on this web page? Wouldn't that have made sense to share with more people the own problems you had with the "kissed dating goodbye" philosophy?

Posted by Steve | April 14, 2008 9:18 PM

I thought both books were great and I don't think too much 'clarification' is needed. Basically your books just put in words, with scripture references, what I thought and felt about dating/courting. Thank you!

Posted by LB | April 30, 2008 12:06 PM

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