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How to write a book in 16 easy steps

hemingway-1.jpg

1. Forget what a complete pain it is to write a book. This may take you five years after finishing your last book. After you've forgotten, begin to romanticize the writing process and imagine yourself inspired, overflowing with words and pounding on an old-fashioned type-writer like Ernest Hemingway. Picture yourself as the next J.K. Rowling with crowds lined up at bookstores to buy your book.

2. In the midst of your delusion sign a book contract. Pay no attention to the deadline they lay out or the fact that the publishing company now basically owns your life.

3. Wake up the next morning with a sinking feeling.

4. Do whatever is necessary to avoid actually writing. Begin to read, research and think about your topic. Create an outline. Describe the vision, content and theme of each chapter. Rearrange your outline several thousand times. Try to think of a title. File your fingernails. Write page after page about the kinds of things you might possibly say if you ever actually start saying something.

5. Read other books similar to yours and think thoughts like, "Why should I even bother writing since this person said it better anyway?" Or visit a large chain bookstore and think, "Who is even going to notice another book added to the gazillions of books being published each year?"

6. Actually write something.

7. Read what you wrote the next morning and feel sick. If feelings of despair and sickness are not forthcoming begin to imagine really nasty reviews written about your book on Amazon.com.

8. Push past despair and keep writing.

9. Keep writing.

10. Pray.

11. If your personal prayers don't feel like enough, open a Facebook account, get as many friends as possible and then demand that they pray for you daily.

12. Create elaborate schedules and dates for finishing each chapter. Draw inspiring symbols like stars on your calendar to represent your "target dates" for completion. These dates cannot budge. But you might want to write them in pencil so that you can easily erase and move them when you miss your dates. Try not to notice all the erased stars on your paper calendar. Pay no attention to those stars!

13. Miss your publisher's original December deadline so that your book's release date is pushed to February 2010, which should feel like a century from now. Try not to think about the fact that you will see another Christmas before you hold your book (if you are even alive then).

14. Periodically get out your file of completed "rough draft" chapters and stare at them. Hope that they will begin mating and producing the additional chapters needed to complete your book.

15. In place of writing your book, blog about the book-writing process.

16. Wake up tomorrow and keep writing.

To be continued...

Posted by on December 19, 2008

Comments (23)

Very inspirational...in a solidarity-esque way...I feel better knowing that an accomplished writer such as yourself would still face these kinds of troubles on writing projects; this predicament repeats itself with every writing assignment I have at the university! I'm not sure if there's a way out of it.

Posted by SL | December 20, 2008 3:07 AM

Hi Josh, this was really helpful as I find myself in a somewhat similar, though less influential, situation.
And blogging, while I love it, seems an easier and somehow more justifiable distraction to actually writing!!
Keep going!
Lex

Posted by Lex Loizides | December 20, 2008 5:35 AM

Very helpful, having attempted to start this and abandoned the process a couple of times - though thankfully I skipped #2 so had a get out clause.

Is this going to be the one on humble orthodoxy that I seem to remember hearing rumours of?

Posted by dave bish | December 20, 2008 5:38 AM

Gee this list applies to my PhD writing too...

Posted by catcha | December 20, 2008 5:39 AM

O boy, I TOTALLY identify with this as I am currently writing my first book. What WAS I thinking of? Whatever gave me the idea I could actually WRITE???

Posted by Adrian Warnock | December 20, 2008 7:36 AM

I don't write books, but I apply that process to almost everything else I do!

Posted by Mr. Harmless | December 20, 2008 8:11 AM

You should delay your writing even more by watching the Sponge Bob Writer's Block episode.

Posted by Drew | December 20, 2008 10:39 AM

This post was a very enjoyable read, as I'm sure the new book will be as well!

Posted by Josh C | December 20, 2008 11:28 AM

Chuckle!

Posted by Anonymous | December 20, 2008 12:41 PM

Haha. My personal faves are 1, 4, and 14. Odd. But for what it's worth, I think this could be your next book, Josh....."How To Write A Book." It might not be the next Harry Potter, but it has personality, so gosh darn it its got potential!

Posted by Melissa Farmer | December 20, 2008 3:56 PM

Here's a link just for you Josh. I hope it helps....28 days is all you need bro. Take heart, it could be out by mid next year if you take this advice and pay his $49.95 price for a$649 course. You'll learn all the secrets.

Sure.....

http://www.writequickly.com/author/menu.aspx

Praying for you at this time.

Mark

Posted by Mark | December 20, 2008 8:13 PM

hehehehe... I could just imagine!

Posted by Y | December 21, 2008 3:00 AM

hang in there!

your books have really helped me and many that I know. ... I Have read four of your books. ... Boy Meets Girl was especially helpful for me with it's practical and inspiring approach to God-honoring relationships. ... My wife and I married last May and saved our first kiss for our wedding day. It was sweet!

praying for you.

Posted by Dave | December 22, 2008 10:11 PM

Don't forget, "Hope your blog post generates lots of comments so that you can read those instead of writing."

Posted by Zack | December 23, 2008 5:35 AM

I'm excited about the line "to be continued." Dunno if it's done or the line says "keep on writing." Enyweiz I want to write a book myself. Just got struck on #12. The evangelism manual I'm working on is not yet done. It's 3 years ago since I started it. I've gone 8 pages now, hehehe. Thanks Josh...

Posted by Dan | December 25, 2008 8:51 PM

you forgot point 17: think of the thousands of lives that God is going to completely change through your efforts...grace carries us :-)

Posted by afiwa | December 26, 2008 12:07 PM

Josh,

I have to tell you... I have been praying about writing a book only for the last week I've made a list of topics to include, what I want the chapters to be called, and a title... that's it.

I dont know anything about writing a book to be honest. However, God has laid it on my heart and I feel like I should listen. Then I came to your page to see if you have any publishing information I would find helpful and I saw this post. haha imagine my delight!

Please email me if you find the time: schneisk@gmail.com

I would love the knowledge and help in getting started in this process.

Posted by Sarah Schneider | December 27, 2008 8:47 PM

This is precisely why I can come up with hundreds of ideas for books, but have never even for one second contemplated the idea of actually writing one. However, I do pray for those who have!

Posted by Kelley | December 30, 2008 7:10 PM

Say, this sounds an awful lot like my method for writing papers. I've even gotten extensions before!

Posted by Penny | December 31, 2008 2:39 PM

hahaha.. this one's funny... and now i think God wants me to think twice before writing a book.. hahaha.. :)

Posted by amanda | January 3, 2009 3:08 AM

fantastic - so excited to know all this time I've been actually following the apparent rules of the extra-spiritual mentors who go before me towards lofty presumptions of writing a book... thanks for the encouragement - will go now and pull out old rough drafts and begin anew ;) (thank goodness I already have a facebook acct set up and ready :))

Posted by Michelle | January 10, 2009 2:55 PM

Number 15 as we speak. I skipped numbers 2, 11 and 13...

Posted by Anonymous | January 10, 2009 4:54 PM

As a writer who is just beginning her own career in publishing books, this is a reality, a terror and a huge joy! Thanks, Josh!

FYI: I model my style after yours, because I find it so easy to follow and my thinking goes in along the same lines...

Posted by Jess | January 25, 2009 3:41 AM

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