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What I've Learned Since I Kissed Dating Goodbye

holdinghands.kristenleigh.jpg

Happy Valentine's Day everybody! Recently I've been working on a series of posts summarizing some messages I've done in the past few years on the topic of relationships. Unfortunately, because of my work on my new book, I haven't had time to go into the depth I was hoping to for this series. Hopefully I'll get to do that in the future, for now I wanted to share the links to the three messages for anyone interested.

These messages all reflect, in one way or another, things that I've learned since I wrote the book I Kissed Dating Goodbye twelve years ago. I still stand by the message of that book that premature, short-term romantic attachments can be a big distraction from serving God—especially for teenagers. But in the years since I've also seen that a legalistic application of these ideas can be unhelpful, too. One of my main concerns in my church or any other church is that there be no disunity among Christians over issues of dating and courtship. We need to learn to hold our own convictions on this matter with charity. Most importantly we need to make sure that our convictions are shaped by scripture—not culture, church culture or my books.

The following messages were given in the context of wanting to serve my own church and clear up what I see as a wrong application of ideas I've written about. I hope these are helpful.

"Romance Revisited" is a message I did last summer at our church's annual youth retreat. My main burden was to challenge teens to cultivate their own biblical convictions on the topic of dating and relationships, and to make the distinction between commands from God's word and the wise application of biblical principles.

"Courtship Shmourtship" addresses some misconceptions people can have about courtship, and examines biblical principles that should inform our relationships. I speak to singles who are so concerned with "guarding each others heart" that they're not talking to one another.

"Courtship is a Community Project" looks at how godly relationships can function in the context of the local church. It's a challenge to the whole church to come alongside single men and women and provide support and encouragement as they pursue relationships.

One final note: the last two messages are included in video form on a DVD that my publisher released. And the most complete summary of my thoughts about honoring God while pursuing romance is found in my book Boy Meets Girl which I wrote after I got married.

The photo is of my friends Adam and Pami on the day they got engaged. Courtesy of the ultimate engagement, wedding photographer Kristen Leigh.

Posted by on February 14, 2009

Comments (32)

I often wondered what your thoughts are or how they've changed on this topic since you wrote "I Kissed Dating Goodbye".

It's interesting that you'd mention legalism. I didn't come away from your book thinking that way (or at least I don't think I did), but it did seem like there was a movement a while back toward courtship only/very rule oriented lifestyle. It is sometimes amazing how quickly and unconsciously we can slip into that trap. I've done it many times.

I'm looking forward to checking out the resources.

Blessings in Christ,

Marshall Jones Jr.

Posted by Marshall | bondChristian | February 14, 2009 9:14 PM

Thanks for putting these up. It's comforting, as a single, to know that others do recognize the difficulties we have forming even friendships within the church.

Posted by Penny | February 14, 2009 9:47 PM

Josh,
I have followed what you and your family have done for many years and have several recordings of your dads from many years ago. It has been fun for me to see the transitions in many lives of people I have read and listened to and you are no exeption. It is great to see God maturing you and using you as you yeild to Him and His leading.
I have 14 children and we homeschool them all (at least the ones who are still at home). Your book I Kissed Dating Goodbye is required reading in their sophmore year of High School. It is a wonderfully written book and has given me many oportunities to discuss the Biblical principles regarding relationships with my children.
Just recently one of my daughters got married and it was beautiful to watch her and her fiance submit to the Biblical model. The issue was really submission to the Holy Spirit not to your book. Your book was simply a tool in His hands to bless them in there relationship.
Thanks for your humble submission to our Lord as He chooses to use you.

Posted by David Hartman | February 15, 2009 8:35 PM

Thank you, Mr. Hartman. That is very encouraging. Congratulations on the marriage of your daughter.

Posted by Joshua Harris | February 15, 2009 8:39 PM

Josh,
Thank you for these messages. They are encouraging, provoking and so helpful. Thank you for allowing the Lord to continue to use.

Posted by Anonymous | February 16, 2009 2:50 PM

Josh,
I so appreciate your addressing legalism's tendency to creep into Christian relationships, especially where courtship is concerned. I have not heard these messages, but have heard good things about "Courtship Schmourtship" (great name, btw). We do need to remember to "hold our convictions with charity." That said, I would like to thank you for writing I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl, and for cultivating a culture of godly relationships at your church. My daughter and her boyfriend (both members of Covenant Life Church) became engaged on Valentine's Day, and my husband and I could not imagine being any happier. By God's grace, and with the help of caring parents, pastors, and friends in the local church, they have walked through their courtship with integrity, and they have many blessings to look forward to. You have truly been an instrument in God's hands. THANK YOU. Keep up the good work!

Posted by Lisa | February 16, 2009 2:51 PM

Lisa,

Engaged on Valentine's Day? That's wonderful! Congratulations!

Joshua

Posted by Joshua Harris | February 16, 2009 2:58 PM

Hi Joshua,

Your book I Kissed Dating Goodbye was life changing for me! I was in a very ungodly relationship about 9 years ago and your book was literally an eye-opener. There was SO SO much truth in it for me. I only wish I read it sooner--I might have been saved from all that heartache. I must confess I did end up becoming quite legalistic after that for a variety of reasons (fear, other books, wanting to be perfect/have all the answer, pride, personal tendencies). But, over the last year or two I fell in love with reformed teaching and found you (again) among many, many good teachers that have helped me so much in areas of legalism and relationships and many other things. God takes care of those who are His. : )

Thank you so much for being concerned about your readers to keep them on the right path. It's very responsible book writing. You have a pastor's heart!

Jessica

Posted by Jessica | February 19, 2009 1:12 PM

Hi Joshua,

I was having a discussion with a friend of mine last week about your book "I kissed dating goodbye". I was saved in my teenage years and began showing interest in a beautiful girl who insisted that I read your book. I was really interested in what it had to say (although some of it rubbed me the wrong way I must admit) but what impacted me the most and what has stuck with me to this day was your description of the cross.

About two thirds of the way through the book you wrote about what happened on the cross of calvary, that every sin of every person was placed upon the Anointed One, and the Father poured His wrath out on His Son. And that the Son was looked at as if He had committed the sins of horrible men and was punished for it.

I had been going to church or bible studies 3x a week for about a year and half at this point and I never heard the cross explained that way before. I couldn't get it out of my head and the cross made so much more sense to me.

I want to thank you for including those pages of theology in a book about dating (or not dating, as it were). It really impacted me and has stuck with me years later.

I ended up dating that girl (not courting [sorry]) and marrying her. We moved to the city of Cork in Ireland and I am pastoring a church filled with young people. I preach penal substitutionary atonement every sunday and every wednesday and make it my aim that no one attends this church even once without hearing the heart of the gospel, the message of the cross.

Posted by Mike | February 20, 2009 5:57 AM

Hi Josh,

What blesses me most about this post is the acknowledgement of I Kissed Dating Goodbye's target audience on many fronts, which if I read correctly in the book, seemed to be your peers at the time, namely teens and young twenty-somethings.

For a person like me who takes things very literally, it's easy to misread an admonition like (paraphrasing), "make sure to talk to a girl's father or pastor before expressing interest" as a literal rule that everyone needs to follow, versus seeing the heart of what you were saying, which was for men to simply be accountable, recognizing (as you did in Boy Meets Girl) that the application of this principle looks different for different people.

I'm an idealist (takes one to know one), so it makes sense now that certain ideals would come through in your writing.

Posted by Eddie Staples | February 23, 2009 11:52 AM

Joshua,

i've done reading "i kissed dating goodbye" last month and i enjoy reading it, I can say that i also kissed dating goodbye after reading it. Just few days from then i started reading "boy meets girl" and just finished it yesterday. Actually i am broken hearted this time because i had the decision to finished my courting/dating. But as i read the last chapter of your book "boy meets girl" it helped me to realize and actually really "open eyes" of the reality. It's hard, but i believe GOD is giving me grace and strength to overcome this. I really enjoy reading your books and it really helped me in lot of things, not just in courtship, but also more in my spiritual life, to enjoy more of my singleness that GOD gave me, wait patiently and refocus my priorities. I'm happy that i finished your books. It's really a lot of help for singles like me and i'm actually encouraging my youth mates to read it also :) thanks again. GOD bless :)

Posted by peewhay | February 24, 2009 10:13 PM

(Just a big Christian fan from the other side of the world...)

Hi Joshua!

It's been two years since I've read your books (I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl), and to this day the effects of that are still very much apparent in me. I thank God for giving you your wisdom in your craft. I am very much inspired to uphold the purity of God's love, and to even write about it.

While some would tell me that you're into such extremism, I say it's just right. Protecting ourselves and protecting one another is not easy...and not something we should take lightly. This is especially true for young adults like me who need to strive to grow for the Lord and just be so so madly and deeply in love with Jesus (thank God He's not a dumper!).

God bless you! Keep on shining for the Lord!

Posted by Anniline Teng | March 1, 2009 6:26 AM

Hi Joshua,

I've read "I kissed dating goodbye" and "Boy meets girl" almost 6 years ago and since then the Lord has been renewing my mind in ways I never dreamt possible.

Back then I was in a relationship that was not God-honoring, for all the wrong reasons. I first heard you talk on "Focus on the Family" and it stirred me enough to go buy the book. That was the beginning of a new life in Christ. Not only did He use it to change my way of thinking about marriage, He challenged me to trust Him completely, with all areas of my life.

Your books was a tool that the Lord used to open my eyes to the fact that His best is so much more than what the world has to offer. And I don't only mean this with regard to relationships / marriage, but to enjoy, first of all a relationship with Him, and the trust that grows from that - knowing that He will work out all things for good, for those who love Him.

You and your family are to me a picture of God's grace. I also praise Him for His grace in my life, and I know the best is yet to come! Many blessings to you and your family.

Posted by Lilly | March 1, 2009 2:34 PM

Hi Josh!

I read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" two years ago at the age of 30. I so wished I would have read it sooner! Like other commenters stated above, it changed my views on marriage and dating; that I was being selfish in my relationhips, and not seeking to glorify God.

Providentially, I ran across your blog two days ago, and just now listened to "Courtship Schourtship." It was so helpful and encouraging! I have forwarded it to other sisters in Christ who are frustrated - let's just say the line about "every woman in our church should feel like a princess" really hits home. Thank you for addressing these issues.

In Christ,
Mandi

Posted by Mandi | March 2, 2009 5:25 PM

Hey Josh,
I really liked this post. I especially liked what you said about legalism. A lot of times it seems that Christians go from the extreme of NO boundaries in what is really a self-centered relationship to the opposite extreme of (dare I say?) superficial over-the-top legalism, which really hinders the couple from getting to know each other just as much as the opposite extreme. By the way, I really liked your books Boy Meets Girl and I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I read BMG first and thought it made courtship so clear. I myself "kissed dating goodbye" years ago, after hearing friends of mine describe their dating relationships. So, for me, IKDG was nothing more than a confirmatiion of what I'd already figured out ages ago. Thanks for writing such wonderful challenging books. They are really quite life changing.

Posted by Irina H. F. | March 6, 2009 1:38 PM

joshua,,

hellow nice book

Posted by Anonymous | March 13, 2009 1:53 AM

PHENOMENAL message! I'm almost through listening to the first recording and I can't wait to hear the rest. Would it be ok play these publicly at our youth functions?

I read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" as a kid, but there was a lot of drama and hurt and pain in my family when it came to actually trying to apply the courtship idea to my relationship with my now-husband. My parents had some very heady, idealistic views that were impossible to follow. Several of my friends had similar experiences.

I'd like to have some better understanding and balance when teaching these concepts to our future children and I'm am thrilled to hear your fresh perspective on this.

Thanks! :)

Posted by Reborn | April 9, 2009 2:06 PM

Josh,

Thank you for being brave and actually writing the book that everyone of us youth need. You took a bold step of discovering truths that many dared not to think about.
The selfish take on relationships only serves to destroy what we can give to the spouse that God blesses us with. Sadly, in our "born again" churches, all that is preached is that we get a new start, but never about the consequences of our sins. I believe that God forgives us, but the consequences are still there...
I really wish Christians would stop debating about whether courtship is the way or not and its difficulties, but rather turned their attention to the damages to a marriage caused by not seeking purity when single or in a relationship.
I think the fault is with churches focusing too much on forgiveness, and not the plain simple truth behind why God instructed us to remain pure as singles.
When we truly understand the consequences of different levels of pre-marital physical interaction, and how it will play a part in destroying a marriage, I think most Christians will agree that the most conservative approach to courtship is the way to go.

Posted by Jay | April 11, 2009 7:31 PM

hey wow...it is soooo encouraging just to read the respond on how the book changed so many people's lives, as each reader shares his/her story im touched and amazed by what the Lord is doing. In South Africa we have a saying that says...God is Good all the time and all the time God is good. Well personally I love being the single woman who is focused on the things of the Lord and Im also studying, the books which you sent me have amny an impact in many lives of young people in our campus as we share on issues of dating but most importantly is basing it on what the Word of God because it is constant.

Posted by sindiswa | April 17, 2009 2:40 AM

Josh,

It was quite surprising that I'm here viewing your site now. Just few minutes ago I was reading your book, Not Even A Hint. I have read your two other books: I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Boy Meets Girl. Those are definitely inspiring. I thank God that there are people like you who still manage to share wisdom to other people who needs it.

More power to you! God bless always!

Posted by Ilyn | April 20, 2009 2:11 AM

Josh,

My teenage daughter read your books, IKDG and BMG several years ago as she knew she felt differently about dating than most of her friends. She wanted to glorify her Lord and Savior and I cannot tell you how your beautiful books confirmed what she was feeling. I read them when she finished them because she was so excited and encouraged. She is leaving for college soon and has spent her high school years embracing her singleness, volunteering and serving alongside her brothers in Christ, living a very full life.

I challenge all young women to read your books with excitement and hope for a future designed by Him. Trust and keep your eyes on Him. The best is yet to come. Young men, protect your sisters in Christ. They are future wives and one will be yours. Thank you for your honesty.

In Christ,

A grateful mother

Posted by Angie | April 23, 2009 10:08 PM

Thank you Joshua for these messages! I enjoy your passionate, *com*passionate application of the Scriptures to the lives of all the different kinds of people in your church.

Once when I was in college I wrote a song that kind of made fun of you just a little - I think I had been turned down on too many of those lunch dates ;]

Posted by Wesley | May 23, 2009 1:40 AM

My 12 year old granddaughter took the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" home with her this weekend. Is she too young to read this?

Posted by Nonnie | May 25, 2009 6:55 PM

Josh,
Firstly, I would like to introduce myself. My name is Tonny Slameto and I live in Indonesia. I had already read your book "I kissed dating good bye" and "SEx is not the problem, lust is". I thank to God because he use your books to open up my understanding about relationship.
Thank you...!

Posted by Tonny Slameto | June 4, 2009 8:50 AM

I Kissed Dating Goodbye was twelve years old now????? It seems so like yesterday. Wow! My prayer is for you to continually be used by God through the talents he's given you to bring glory to his name!

Posted by Mikes | June 11, 2009 7:18 PM

Hi Josh, since I read your book 6 years ago (gosh- that was really awhile back), the things that I learned and discovered in myself is still fresh up to now. I am now 25 and still embrace the benefit of singleness inline with servicing our God. Truly, God works in inconspicuous, humble and full of love way. That when you realized it's end result to your life, all you can do is sit in one corner, thank HIM and share it to others.

Thank you so much!

Godbless..

Jc
Manila, philippines

Posted by jc | June 17, 2009 4:30 AM

Hi Joshua,
A sister gave me your 3 books after we came back from our trip from Jerusalem. At first i was not very fond of the idea of reading your book.
But after i finished reading your book i realized that God was convicting me to end my relationship with my then girlfriend. It was hard but it had to be done.
It has been almost 3 years now that I've been single and i realize that i would not have grown in my faith if i didn't obey God's prompting.
I have passed your book on to all the youths in my church and it has been a blessing to them just as it has been for me.

Thank you. I'm looking forward to your 5th book...

Posted by Joshua M | June 23, 2009 6:15 PM

I thank God because the book i kissed dating goodbye really opened my mind,God is great..now im reading the boy meets girl..Im satisfied of being single right now,and i know God is preparing the best partner for me...thank you much

Posted by jona jean fuentes | June 28, 2009 5:15 AM

On a somewhat related note, I have benefited invaluably from Eric and Leslie Ludy's book "Meet Mr. Smith."

It's a quick read that as given me a great clarity as a single how to build a God-entranced relationship and pursue the truly great things God created.

Without thinking about it many lies creep in from our culture. I am so grateful for both your book and this one which help draw out the differences and spur toward God's beautiful intent.

God has been so good to us with His construct of marriage. Satan has done so much to destroy this in our culture and churches - even in "working" marriages and relationships by selling us a cheap imitation of God's amazing intent.

Praying for ya brother.

Posted by Josiah Faas | August 8, 2009 11:17 PM

Hey Josh,

I thought you might like to know that as soon as I saw that I could download these messages, I did. I immediately burned them to a CD so that I could listen to them in my car. I can't wait to listen to them. Thanks so much for making these available.

Thanks,
Jason

Posted by Jason Toft | August 9, 2009 12:31 AM

In light of Boy Meets Girl...what would you counsel someone about internet and long distance relationships???

Posted by Luke | August 27, 2009 11:16 AM

These messages are excellent. Thanks Josh! But I thought you'd like to know that the links to the messages are currently broken.

Posted by Ray Zimmerman | November 7, 2009 5:46 PM

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