The good folks at Boundless Line have done two posts reflecting on the good, the bad and the ugly related to my book I Kissed Dating Goodbye
. I think I must be getting more mature (or maybe just tired) because I started reading some of the comments and just got bored and stopped. But I did see one comment where a guy said that the stories in the book were didactic and totally predictable. That is so not true. My book is filled with shocking, totally unexpected, never-before-told tales of spine-tingling, non-dating, romantic wonder. Okay, maybe they are sort of predictable. Anyway here's Post #1 and Post #2 from Boundless. And here's a more serious post entitled "What I've Learned Since I Kissed Dating Goodbye" that features links to several messages I've done in the past few years that hopefully clarify the message of my book.
Comments (22)
I've read I kissed dating Goodbye probably when I was in Senior High School.
Before I read it, I rejected some guys who are pursuing me. Why? Because for me that's just foolish or silly.
Yes, you're probably attracted to someone, but that attraction you feel could be just an infatuation. In high school, at the age of maybe from 11 to 15, I think playing around is alarmingly present.
I refuse to have a boyfriend during those times because of that reason. And I know to myself that it would be unfair to the guy courting me if I will pursue a relationship with based only on my emotions. I do believe that our emotions cannot be trusted.
After I read it, I knew I was right in rejecting those guys. By doing so, I have protected not only myself but also those guys from a heartache.
Until now I'm 21, I still don't date. But I don't believe it would lead me to kissing marriage goodbye.
They're right, Josh Harris message is: don't pursue a romantic relationship if you're not really ready for commitment. But this doesn't mean that you will wait until you own a house or have a large amount of money in your bank account. Readiness means being responsible and unselfish - as a spouse, a parent, a child of God. Many people own a house and now wealthy but are they responsible? Are they willing to sacrifice their own happiness for the happiness of the other person?
Posted by Daisy | July 15, 2009 9:13 AM
I've read many books about dating/courtship and yours is my favorite for this reason: the focus is more on the heart than on the outward actions. It seems to me that this is where most people get thrown off. They're so focused on the to-do list that they don't pay any attention to what's going on their hearts.
I don't care if my kids call it "dating" or "courtship". It's most important to me that they are making deliberate decisions, not just floating down the current of American culture. I want them to ask themselves why they are or aren't doing something and what the purpose of that activity is or should be. I want them to have the wisdom to plan to avoid strongly tempting situations rather than planning to rely solely on their own self control to pull them through. These are principals that apply to many parts of life, not just dating.
Most of all I want them to focus on the plan God has for their life right now, rather than waiting for life to start when they get married, when they have kids, when the graduate from college, etc.
These are the things I got from your book. I read it with my kids in mind, and ending up getting a lot from it myself.
For what it's worth.
Posted by Jeana | July 15, 2009 9:39 AM
You may be interested to know that a bunch of my college friends in 2002 were bored on a Mid Summer Thursday night. So we decided that burning Kissed Dating Goodbye was a good idea. I think it came after a friend was having girl issues and we were sick of the legalistic treatment of the book. So we torched the two copies we could find.
Maybe you've heard of others doing this before but I must confess our immaturity now. I pass it along because you might find it funny the extent some would go to find a scapegoat for their relationship woes. It is easier to blame you (or any other author) than actually look to the Sovereign God of the Universe to see where we need to grow ourselves. Keep on Preaching Jesus!
Posted by Dan S. | July 15, 2009 9:41 AM
Josh
I have yet to see you post anywhere on your blogs the problems that you acknowledged existed with how singles in your own church. I am talking about your "Courtship/Smourtship" message.
As I recall you said there was a "lack of freeness between men and women in cultivating friendships". You also used the words "standoffish" and "tightness" in describing how you saw at least some of the singles related in your church.
Isn't this an example one of the "cons" that can occur when "kissing dating goodbye" is taught and taken to an extreme? Wouldn't it be good to share this so other singles that teach "kissing dating goodbye" could learn from this?
Posted by Steve240 | July 15, 2009 9:22 PM
Ironically, my wife and I found ourselves having to eventually find a new church home over a dating relationship our daughter was (still is) having.
She is a member of Josh's church. As were we. So, as I'm sure many realize, Josh's church is no legalistic bastion of 'the courtship way or the highway'. And I've come across this stereotyping of CLC more then once on the path of life.
I say ironically as, in hindsight, I think I really did fail to grasp some of the rich irony of our disagreements in a church (and respectfully with a church) that was being led by the guy who wrote such a well known book on courtship. And I say this with the greatest of respect, admiration and love for both Josh and CLC.
I met and married my wife via the path of courtship (in stark contrast to the cultural methods of serialized dating) and this was in my middle thirties.
So courtship, as a sane but hardly fail-proof (it can be equally rife with the same pitfalls as dating) practice, is certainly not for the (very) young alone.
I guess after a certain age in life, you simply don't have the bandwidth (emotional, financial, practical) for most of the game playing modern dating typically becomes. I was genuinely interested in finding a Godly wife; not a momentary romantic playmate or "girlfriend".
In fact, while I benefited from Josh's book, I tend to recommend Doug Wilson's "Her Hand in Marriage" as much if not more so. If you're a parent, the first chapter alone will rock most contemporary mindsets regarding the role and station of parents in relationship to their young adults.
Again, highly recommended - especially as a possible follow up to any of Josh's books. Even more so if you're a parent and you have a young adult ready for this season of life. Be forewarned, check any cultural (compromised?) Christianity at the door and be prepared for the biblical work out.
Posted by Darrell | July 16, 2009 10:26 AM
Personally, Mr. Harris I thought that your book has been intsrumental to my walk with the Lord as far as purity and resisting temptation against lust and insecurity. May the Lord continually bless you and give you more wisdom to write more books
Posted by Mikes Sumondong | July 16, 2009 3:33 PM
I am so grateful for your books on dating and courting. I did not find them legalistic, but practical.
I am praying for encouragement and wisdom for you as you proceed forward in your ministry!
Posted by Matthew Hall | July 16, 2009 3:36 PM
It is sad to me that morality is met with so much "ick" today...I courted my wife and very quickly our intent was either to move towards marriage or figure out that we weren't compatible and move forward without each other....to give up each other's bodies and hearts before marriage was not an option...
Posted by mikesgateway | July 16, 2009 4:30 PM
I read your book when I was in high school and it helped me out alot. I still dated but my approach and the way I seen it totaly changed. I'am now happily married with a new baby boy. I became a youth leader and shared it with my class. I found the title pushed people away or gave them a bad impression of the book. ounce they got past the title. The book seem to open there eyes to the truth about themselves and relationships.For some reason when you tell people to give up dateing they look at you like you have gone MAD!
Posted by Levy Smith | July 16, 2009 10:19 PM
I read I Kissed Dating Goodbye while I was looking for answers for feelings I was having for a particular girl. It was so good that I read the sequel Boy Meets Girl, which is even better than the first! God used those books to show me that He needs to be the focus of my relationships and my life! The girl is happily married now and I can rejoice that God was glorified in her life and in our friendship =)
Thanks for your service Josh. I praise God for the work He's done through you.
Posted by Dave Joyce | July 17, 2009 10:04 AM
I like Dan's comment that people would rather blame an author than look to God to see where they need to grow. What I've learned is that no matter how valuabe, noble or inspiring a book/teaching is, there will always be people who will find fault with it. I've found that most people who oppose the idea of IKDG are missing the heart of the matter: looking to and trusting God with everything in our lives.
I read IKDG about 6 years ago and it made a huge impact in my life. It did challenge me to start thinking differently about relationships and marriage, but more importantly - it challenged me to seek an intimate relationship with God first and to trust Him with all the details of my life.
Rom 12:2 says that we should be renewed in our thoughts to see God's good, acceptable and perfect will. The world is filled with broken people and marriages, and no one wants that or plans for that. So few are willing to follow a different path than the world...yet they want a different outcome...
Like Dave, I too, praise the Lord that he used your books to renew my thinking. I believe that He plans a good future for all His children, but also that we should be willing to allign our thoughts and actions with His in order to take hold of it.
May many more people read your books and realize that we serve a great and loving God Who is concerned with everything in our lives, and may they be challenged to trust Him with theirs!
Posted by Lelanie | July 18, 2009 1:59 PM
What impressed me so much about the IKDG was that it was authored by a 21 year old who in his life has gotten bored of meeting someone [anyone] without establishing clear direction in their relationship.
What puzzles me still is that how dating was defined in the American context that made the author say bye-bye dating. I may have partial thoughts that dating in American context is coupled by some forms of perversion. Well, saying goodbye to that kind of style is appropriate for Christians.
I'm a youth worker in the Philippines and I use Josh's books in our groupings, but I do not keep the youths from dating because in our context, it is a way of getting to know the other person. What I warn the youth are the accompanying immoral acts that may kick off during this season in a youth's life.
I salute the posters here who have casted fair views about the book and what is happening in the real drama. I should say let's learn some more and reach the youth for a pure and righteous living. Shalom!
Posted by Dan-dan | July 20, 2009 2:46 AM
Wow, I am so amazed at the world view of dating. Well, not really amazed because Christ said that people would be like this and turn away from Him. I kissed dating goodbye is a very good book, and I like it because it has some very practical things in it that I needed to be reminded of. In our world, the most important thing that matters to most people is the physical part of a relationship, but Christ does not teach this. I think one of the most important things that we need to remember is that God created everyone in His own image. We need to respect that and we need to respect the person that we may be in a relationship with. Many times, I have seen my Christian friends not treating their boyfriend or girl friend with respect, and purity in our day and age has done out the door for some reason even with Christians. We must build our relationships based on Christ love for us, and our love for Him, because if we do not, the world will see that we are different from them. Every boy and girl was made by the very creator of the entire universe and we must start treating them like they were. Thank you!!
Here is a verse for thought on why we must put God first in everything, and yes even dating!
For He was pierced for our transgressions, He was crushed for our sins, the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him, and by His wounds we are Healed.
Posted by Caleb Clark | July 21, 2009 11:28 PM
Just stumbled across your blog and wanted to say that I was given a copy of your IKDG book for a HS graduation gift years ago and I loved it. It was reassuring to realize that there were others out there who shared my beliefs about this issue. I still recommend it to others and say that any guy I date has to read it. ;) Thanks for writing it!
Posted by Jen | July 24, 2009 12:56 PM
I kissed divorcing goodbye.
Posted by sd smith | July 27, 2009 9:38 PM
Apparently I kissed my comment goodbye when I dared you to come to my blog.
Really, we have a hard time thinking the book is relevant as we hit our later 20s and 30s. It seems that the book has been part of the downturn of dating and marriage in the church. A cup of coffee with a guy has become tantamount to a marriage proposal.
It's a great book for TEENS who will do better to finish high school first in more cases than not. I did have a few friends who got pregnant during or near the end of high school. Many feel that they made the wrong choice in terms of a marriage partner because of foolish choices before. And yet, I have friends who met and married their high school sweethearts and are still happy years down the road.
But at church, some of us are hot and bothered over not dating for years on end because everyone has become convinced that they must have some sign that marriage is eminent first.
Sometimes you don't REALLY know someone until you are actually on that date, alone with them, talking. Then the crazy comes out.
Posted by SavvyD | July 30, 2009 4:59 PM
Also, what did you really know about dating at such a young age? I continue to believe that you aren't truly single until after college. That's when the real struggle begins.
Posted by SavvyD | July 30, 2009 5:01 PM
Josh,
I want to thank you for the book you wrote. I really have gleaned a lot of practical advice. I just turned 20 and have never dated, but your book does give a different aspect on the dating issue. May you continue seeking God's direction in your life.
Posted by Miriam Miller | August 13, 2009 11:10 PM
At the moment i am in grade 10 and my mum decided to get me your book becuase i'm starting to go into the 'dating' side of my life now. at first i really didn't want to read it because i didn't want my mum to suddenly tell me i can't date.
after reading the first chapter i was hooked and God has been pumping revelations into me. it has been a chain reaction at my school. there are about seven other girls that are now reading the book too and its starting to take effect.
thankyou so very much for writing this book and making it so easy to relate to me and others. i am still finding it hard to tell my friend (who happens to be my "boyfriend" but we're not dating) that i don't want to date yet, so i'm looking forward to ireading "boy meets girl".
thankyou again. God bless you so very much!.
Posted by Rachael Brewer | August 19, 2009 6:12 AM
Anyone here want to point me to a forum where I talk/ask questions about this book?
Ifence07@aol.com
Posted by Danny Petrone | August 19, 2009 3:28 PM
Josh,
1st. I really second Steve240's question...
I've really enjoyed discovering what God's made clear in your own life. Before reading your books right out of high school, I had decided I would never date as the world does. Having just graduated from college, I'm still single and have enjoyed just about every minute of this singless God has given to me. However, as I continue to grow in my relationship with God, I do have questions like Steve240. I sometimes feel like I've taken it to the extreme. As you said "to escape disappointment." Of course, most of my belief rests on my preparedness and trusting God. But I've rejected numerous offers and have avoided stronger friendships because I feel like any friendly action with the opposite sex would give them an unintended idea. Further, I have avoided those opportunities, the "get to know" lunches and coffees for fear the scene would give the potential friend an idea of something more than friendship, even if I'm mutually interested. Would you please shed some thought or insite for those who really have never dated or taken it to the extreme?
Posted by HaleyB | September 8, 2009 11:34 PM
guess after a certain age in life, you simply don't have the bandwidth (emotional, financial, practical) for most of the game playing modern dating typically becomes.
Posted by Tom Smith | December 2, 2009 9:00 PM